What hands mean to me

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2020, personal work

‘ Hands don’t mean power and will to me anymore. Now, they mean surrender.’

Two years ago, when I decided a huge plan in my life, I felt something weird in my hands. But I had to continue working to chase my dream. It got to the point where I couldn’t use my hands as usual. I went to see doctors and I was told the ligament in both my hands was stretched, which doesn’t normally happen. I was told that it would take six months to a year to heal. It was a moment that my dedicated sacrifice and dream got disappeared.

I couldn’t use my hands for over ten months. I called that period ‘four seasons of pain.’ During that time, just washing my hair or putting on makeup was very painful. Can you imagine a life without the use of both hands? Even turning a page to read a book was a big deal at the time. And I became a terrible terrible person. I was afraid of meeting people because I had nothing about myself to talk about.

Hands used to be my ego. So many things that describe me, such as design, drawing, piano, and creating, were about my hands. They were a source of pride and confidence. I lost my identity for a year.

Now I can work :) I am still figuring out the reasons why He allowed me to have those dark seasons, but I confess that it was His will.

I am learning the meaning of surrender. Hands don’t mean power and will to me anymore. Now, they mean surrender.

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