Neil's Diaries:

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"I've never ever thought myself a victim of my own actions...my family are the real victims..."

Neil’s Diary: 11th March 2012:

My name is Neil – I am 45 and part of this detox residential in Wales, and so relieved to be here. Apprehensive when I got on the bus - anxious. There are a lot of people depending on me. Mother, partner, kids – so I’m determined to make this work - My biggest problem isn't so much 'class A,' it's purely the booze. I’d be up all night, drink all day and constantly throw up and repeat the process. But I can’t be doing with this life much longer.

The amount of times I’ve been brought home by the police or cut up to fuck in Hospital.

I’ve never ever thought of myself a victim. My family are the real victims. I've come to this detox as an abuser. I have to make this work because what’s the option? I’ve seen so many of my friends go… so really what is the option? Today I have a chance because I’m here… just to get out of Liverpool does that. Different people, different head thoughts – I’m mad at myself for being in this position, because I come from a great family. But I want to turn that anger into a successful rehab for me, my family and my kids.

The drink I’ve had today and yesterday has been a mix of sherry and lager – it followed a bottle of brandy and special brew before I got on the coach. The biggest problem I'm having is not being active. If I’m not occupied I rattle – so I need to stay occupied or asleep. I cleaned and washed up after Sunday dinner. We now have a rota – meals, cleaning etc… which will help me keep my mind off the rattle. My biggest fear at the moment is going back to Liverpool and drinking again. My girlfriend is in the same boat. That’s not an option - Neil:

"I cried the other night... I talked on the phone with my niece and I cried because she said stick with it..."

I never ate like this when I was fully on the booze… you just grabbed a butty. I’m four days into this and I’m on top of the world… I said I wanted to cut my drink down yesterday – because

I felt good, but was told no, because it’s not part of the 'grand plan,' and I was trying to deviate from it - The rewards are there at the end of it – you don’t always wake up with a smile on your face, but we are millionaires – not in any money sense obviously - but because we now know we have mates and family rooting for us. The self respect is coming back and the beer goggles are off - This thing here – the residential - the lads basically run it – that’s the way the staff have structured it, and for me everyone here has become extended family. I’ll never forget these lads.

I don’t know if we’ll all make it – I don’t know if any of us will. But I’ve been thinking about it - we probably won’t see each other again - which is a good thing because it’ll probably mean we haven’t relapsed.

Last Sunday – I was thinking where the fucking hell am I? I was missing my family, partner, my kids – I was thinking fuck have I got two more weeks of this? But I got through it by thinking this is a privilege for me to have this chance and realised I was here to try to get well.

You can’t pull the wool over the staff’s eyes – they’ve seen it all and you can’t con them.

I got on this residential after visiting the basement two weeks before… they didn’t know me from Adam – My doctor let me know about it and a mate who’d gone through a similar process, Damien, looked great – He was on tele talking about drug issues in a pink sweater, and I bumped into him on the street a week later and he looked great. He was worse than I am now, but he turned it round... he was an inspiration to me. That, and the fact that my doc referred me to the basement, So I have to give this my best shot. All those years of doing the drink wipes out all those memories. I have lost so many chunks of my life – All the good memories – Haven't lost none of the bad ones though, they always stay with me.

I cried the other night … because I talked on the phone with my niece and I cried because she said: “Stick with it” – What they’ve done here, they’ve got me off the booze – It’s like a rule book.

If you’re in this (the drink) you’re always miserable and lonely – The drink and the drugs don’t take that away. I know we are all taking baby steps here – but we’re all getting our self-confidence back - It’s a chance to be the men our mothers wanted us to be. They never went through all that child bearing to see their beautiful sons turn out like this – some might take longer than others – we all move at different speeds – but we can all get there.

It’s not ‘my drink of choice’ – Donna’s mix – mine was brandy and lager. The brandy I bought was 'gut-rot' cheap and nasty – But if you get a taste for it you get accustomed to it. I did like the special brew, but after a couple of days and the way we were – you would drink ‘turps’ if it were around:

“Live today - plan tomorrow.”

Day to day because none of us – even the ‘so called’ normal people don’t know if they have a tomorrow. Spoke to my family again tonight on the phone – My mum’s is going to have a really nice ‘Mother’s Day’ now… she’s getting her boy back - Neil:

"The last couple of days I got bored with telling the cat my problems... and being an ex-boxer, I've decided to use the time more constructively while I'm here, try to get a bit fitter..."

I had my final drink last Saturday – That’s two days ago now and I’ve been going for a run on the last two mornings at six. Through the week I’ve been getting up early going down to the kitchen, having a smoke and a tea – and talking to the cat Betsy - She is always trying to blag some food or milk off me. I’m a light sleeper and with no one else is around, it’s a good time to gather my thoughts – and try to focus on what I need to do to get through this and the day ahead.

The last couple of days I’ve got bored with telling the cat all my problems, and being an ex-boxer, I’ve decided to use the time more constructively while I’m here, try to get a bit fitter – So I’ve been running around the farm and the hills for about half an hour each time. It kills me, but the discipline I call on to do that, is the same discipline needed for a successful rehab. I’ve adopted the same mentality for both, and it’s got me through this far.

We’ve had loads of things to do to fill in our days – it’s not just been about drinking less each day. We’ve had group talks, where I’ve been encouraged to share my true feelings about things. That’s been good, except for today when it all came apart because of one selfish person in the group who ruined the session. I let it annoy me to the point of walking out. I came back after a talk with one of the staff – I suppose I’ve learn't a valuable lesson and it’s that patience is a virtue, which I’m a bit short of at times – I got through it by refocusing my thoughts again on what I need to do to to win to my own personal battle, and not get sidetracked by someone else’s problems.

Spoke to my girlfriend on the phone – which was depressing. She has relapsed recently and when I spoke to her today – she’d been drinking heavily again. Something’s got to give there. I am constantly told by the staff here I may need to change my environment and my friends to see this addiction out – In a roundabout way I know they think by ‘hooking up’ with my partner again so soon, I could be tempted to fall off the wagon.

On the upside I also spoke to my mum and sister too – And they are ‘made up’ for me and have given me all the encouragement I need – Enough to enrol in another S.H.A.R.P. programme when I get back.

I’ll go for another run in the morning – even though my calves and lungs feel as though they might rip apart at any minute. The pain is temporary – hopefully so is the detox - Neil.

"There's no structure to life out there - It's chaotic, It's nasty and it's dangerous..."

"I've made some really good mates here...I just want to wish them the greatest of luck and good fortune..."

It’s nearing the end of all this now and it’s been really enlightening, this thing for me. I’m not trying to pass this off as easy – the detox - It’s been a difficult two weeks at times - It makes you find out things about yourself when you're in a remote place like this. But I would recommend this treatment to anyone. It’s as though the future is a lot clearer for me. I don’t want to sound religious or anything – but there is a light now in my life now - I have a plan - Some clarity. Structures – which is something that is always missing when you live on the street, or you’re in addiction. There’s no structure or discipline to life out there – it’s just absolutely chaotic – It’s nasty and it’s dangerous.

I’ve been up running around these hills from last Sunday. Last Sunday - by the way - was the day on this detox I actually went dry. The running has been a great tool to see me through. I’ve cleared my head, I’ve de-stressed through it, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but for me it has definitely worked.

The group sessions – at first – I’ll admit I found it difficult to unload my feelings, I got to know the rest of these lads and in the end I felt really comfortable, and more importantly unashamed at expressing my true feelings. We all did and because of it supported each other, because we all found it difficult to do that. I’m going back with a positive plan for my short term future in place. Next week I’m back at the basement with a visit to the 'Spider Project' already in place for me. The days seems really full and that’s the way I want it to be.

You know what? When you’re in addiction there’s too many hours in the day – When you’re clean – there aint enough time to do everything you want to do – and at the moment, there’s no other way I would want it. I have my gym head on now… certain goals to achieve – the determination in me to meet those goals tells me I’m back and I’m ‘in the game’ again.

Look I’m not preaching to anyone here – we’re all different – but what I have learned on this detox is that it’s really important to strive to be happy – And to be happy first and foremost with yourself. I’ve made some really good friends here – I just want to wish them the greatest of luck and good fortune – because they don’t know how much they’ve helped me these past two weeks – Neil: