John:
John (left) and Geoff contemplate what their futures hold:
"Look! I don’t deserve that one drink - that’s a cop out, I deserve ‘NOT’ to have that one drink. I’ve flipped that psychology on its head."
I’m John… a 42 year-old chronic alcoholic and I'm here after many years of addiction.
I started on drugs at an early age – solvents mostly – sniffing my Granddad's paint tins in his shed at the age of 6 or 7. Graduated from there. I grew up with my Granddad as I never really knew my old man. I ended up working as a car body panellist and sprayer in my Granddad's garage. Being around the smell of paint was always gratifying for someone with a solvent addiction. Good jobs were easy to come by because I was talented at what I did. I walked into good jobs in the likes of Fords - Halewood and always had decent money – which fuelled my life-style, but lost them as just as easily. I had a bad cocaine habit in my twenties and thirties, which again was all my own doing and my problem. I’m conscious after failing a rehab last year and being clean for a year – I can’t fail this one the basement have allowed me to take.
Time is against me. I have a daughter who has effectively been cared for by my mum – and she, because of cancer, hasn’t long left to live. So my aim is to be clean to take over the responsibility I should have taken from the start of my daughter’s life. I know my addictions have had a devastating affect on all of my family. I feel guilty for putting them through this – especially my mum who’s battled the disease all her adult life.
So here I am… scared of what’s in store, but also relieved and grateful to be on this detox.
I can do this – I have to - After this fortnight at Pennant the Basement have found me a place to carry on my rehab in Park View. Six months down the line I’m hopeful of being in a position to at last look after my daughter – My mum is really happy that I’m trying again.
I hope she’s still alive in six months when I get out. I want her to see me clean - John:
Morning banter at the breakfast table - People are beginning to feel better:
"I had a heart attack two years ago and I know that you shouldn’t be having a heart attack when you’re 36! I don’t want to die and I don’t want people to remember me that way."
John’s Diary: 19th March 2012:
I’ve been detoxing for seven full days now. It’s been hard but I’ve had experience of this before, so I sort of knew what to expect regarding how I would feel physically. Knowing that I've vowed to keep busy and have been gravitating towards the cooking duties.
I’m on schedule with regards to the drink – had my last one two days ago. I’ll be honest and say to you now that I will miss it, and miss it badly at times but that’s only to be expected.
We had a session on relationships today and I’ve come to realise that I probably won’t ever get back with my former partner. I’ve had to accept that and learn to move on. But what I will do is take great pride from the fact that I – well both of us, have a lovely daughter from our relationship. It’s made me realise how much I love my daughter – she’s seventeen now and got a good job as a hairdresser and in the prime of her young life. I want to be there to witness that, and I want to take the burden off my sick mum.
For once I want them to be proud of me instead of embarrassed. I don’t want to see that look on their faces when they realise I’m 'off my face.'
Look! I don’t deserve that one drink - that’s a cop out, I deserve ‘NOT’ to have that one drink. I’ve flipped that psychology on its head – My body, my self respect and my family deserve better. Don’t get me wrong I’m scared shitless. – I go into Park View for six months next week to build on what I’ve achieved here, and because of what’s at stake and with the help and support I’ve received on this detox, I know I’m better equipped than ever to cope with the mad things life will no-doubt throw at me - John:
I’ve been detoxing for seven full days now. It’s been hard but I’ve had experience of this before, so I sort of knew what to expect regarding how I would feel physically. Knowing that I've vowed to keep busy and have been gravitating towards the cooking duties.
I’m on schedule with regards to the drink – had my last one two days ago. I’ll be honest and say to you now that I will miss it, and miss it badly at times but that’s only to be expected.
The last time I relapsed, it was because I thought I was doing really well and deserved a drink – the odd drink - but that’s never the case is it? I am ashamed of the look my family gave me when they knew I’d been drinking again.
We had a session on relationships today and I’ve come to realise that I probably won’t ever get back with my former partner. I’ve had to accept that and learn to move on. But what I will do is take great pride from the fact that I – well both of us, have a lovely daughter from our relationship. It’s made me realise how much I love my daughter – she’s seventeen now and got a good job as a hairdresser and in the prime of her young life. I want to be there to witness that, and I want to take the burden off my sick mum.
For once I want them to be proud of me instead of embarrassed. I don’t want to see that look on their faces when they realise I’m 'off my face.'
Look! I don’t deserve that one drink - that’s a cop out, I deserve ‘NOT’ to have that one drink. I’ve flipped that psychology on its head – My body, my self respect and my family deserve better. Don’t get me wrong I’m scared shitless. – I go into Park View for six months next week to build on what I’ve achieved here, and because of what’s at stake and with the help and support I’ve received on this detox, I know I’m better equipped than ever to cope with the mad things life will no-doubt throw at me - John:
John and Geoff discuss how they will cope in an isolated environment.
"From becoming that bloke who was sober and feeling on top of the world, I became someone who would rob you."
John’s Diary 22nd March 2012:
There’s no such thing as one drink you know… no... one drink is too many. I was thinking about this yesterday. I started seriously on all this gear when I was eighteen or nineteen.
All I can say is there is help out there, you’ve just got to find it and want it and you’ve got to drop your ego, or in my case ‘smash my ego.’ Because it’s still there underneath, but up here it’s felt different this time around. I’ve had my eyes opened. I’m going out there with no expectations, if it means I never get another paid job again and have to volunteer for the rest of my life – then so be it.
There’s no such thing as one drink you know… no... one drink is too many. I was thinking about this yesterday. I started seriously on all this gear when I was eighteen or nineteen.
If I bumped into a young fella on it now I'd say: "Listen mate knock it on the head because in fifteen years time you’ll end up like me." He’d just tell me to fuck off, because I thought exactly the same way when I was that age. The thing with addiction is you’re the last one to know you’re an addict – or the last one to accept you are. Everyone around you knew but me...
I’m too arrogant, have too much of an ego… I always know best. It’s that attitude that made me relapse last year. When you become addicted to something you’re addicted to it all of your life – it’s how you deal with it that counts – how you deal with being sober - you’ve got to stay on top of it… gotta keep fighting it because it’ll never go away, I’ve just got to manage it.
Triggers are different things to different people. It’s not the pub, which is a trigger for me - it’s not the half can of lager I found when I was rooting in bins. It’s me… I’m the trigger.
Triggers are different things to different people. It’s not the pub, which is a trigger for me - it’s not the half can of lager I found when I was rooting in bins. It’s me… I’m the trigger.
So it’s me I have to keep in check. Maybe I needed that relapse last year, because I always had it in my mind that I could have the odd pint after work – but I now know that’s all bollicks because within weeks of doing that I’d lost my job again… lost my family.
From becoming that bloke who was sober and feeling on top of the world, I became someone who would rob you. So physically, I can’t personally ever drink again, because I’m not a person like that. I get those substances in me and I change totally. So maybe that relapse finally taught me and I’ve learned I can’t ever drink again. Because if I haven’t learned, I’ll be dead soon. I had a heart attack two years ago and I know that you shouldn’t be having a heart attack when you’re 36! I don’t want to die and I don’t want people to remember me that way.
You know my mum is sick with the cancer… last year she said: “John I’ve got to let you go son.” That really hit home. Here I am putting my mum through all this and she’s dying of cancer.
Coming up here I was massively drunk. I’d been drinking heavily and 'speeding' the night before. But the reduction in alcohol over the first five days has worked. When I got out of the Windsor Clinic last year, I went straight over to the ‘offey’ and swigged four cans of strong lager before I got on the bus home. But here... after five days it was like taking medicine.
You know my mum is sick with the cancer… last year she said: “John I’ve got to let you go son.” That really hit home. Here I am putting my mum through all this and she’s dying of cancer.
Coming up here I was massively drunk. I’d been drinking heavily and 'speeding' the night before. But the reduction in alcohol over the first five days has worked. When I got out of the Windsor Clinic last year, I went straight over to the ‘offey’ and swigged four cans of strong lager before I got on the bus home. But here... after five days it was like taking medicine.
You actually get sick of drinking the shit. Plus you’re in an environment where you have to contribute to the running of the house, instead of a hospital ward, and it suits me to be busy.
I was in the kitchen cooking and it's helped. In a nice place – a retreat instead of a hospital ward – where all you had to look forward to was more medicine and a view of a hospital corridor. So those hospital detox’s don’t work for me.
I had a discussion with my mum before I came here... she doesn’t like me getting a job because when I have money – that’s when I tend to go off the rails. So the plan is to complete my rehab in the next six months and find a new life and job – possibly in volunteer work, where I won’t have the type of disposable income that got me into this lifestyle. At some point I will have to support my daughter, but I’d like to give something back and help others if I possibly can – like the staff here – Maybe that’s a short-term option. If I do it this way, it’ll be a big change from the last time. I will have to get a job at some point – like I said just to support my daughter. I could go back to my old job tomorrow, but how long would that last?
So I know I have to change my life completely – Change what I do with it. Which is why I need the guidance because I’m not quite sure how to go about all this – which is why the six months in Park View will give me time to plan a strategy for hopefully the rest of my life. Go there with an open mind, not be arrogant and say: "I know how to do this" – because I don’t know - if I did I wouldn’t be sitting here now would I? If I knew, I’d be sitting in my own big house here in Wales.
All I can say is there is help out there, you’ve just got to find it and want it and you’ve got to drop your ego, or in my case ‘smash my ego.’ Because it’s still there underneath, but up here it’s felt different this time around. I’ve had my eyes opened. I’m going out there with no expectations, if it means I never get another paid job again and have to volunteer for the rest of my life – then so be it.
Life’s shit when your drinking, it can be shit when you’re not drinking, but it’s a hell of a lot worse when your not sober – I just have to remember that - John.
