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Pick your poison...
David Palumbo

"Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable."
- G.K. Chesterton
Bill Sanderson
"I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it."
- Bill Hicks
James Bennett
"Cigarettes are a classy way to commit suiside."
- Kurt Vonnegut
David Johnson
"Drinking is the soldier's pleasure."
- John Dryden
Patrick Arrasmith
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
- Robin P. Williams
Tim Bower
"When you don't hold your pipe with the proper poise, smoking is very hazardous for your image."
- Bauvard
Paul Cox
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
- W.C. Fields
Murray Kimber
"It is now proven, beyond a doubt, that smoking is a leading cause of statistics."
- Fletcher Knebel
CF Payne
"Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times."
- W. C. Fields
John Mattos
"Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar."
- Mark Twain
Dongyun Lee
"A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly."
- Winston Churchill
Chris Gall

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
- Oscar Wilde
Rudy Gutierrez
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
- W.C. Fields
"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria."
- Benjamin Franklin
Gary Kelley
"Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
Maria Corte Maidagan
"Perfection is such a nuisance that I often regret having cured myself of using tobacco."
- Emile Zola
Mark T Smith
"When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading."
- Henny Youngman
Ricardo Martinez
"A cigar has "…a fire at one end and a fool at the other."
- Horace Greely
Ted Wright
"I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host."
- Dorothy Parker
Michal Dziekan
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields
Niklas Asker
"First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
Guy Stauber
"Drugs are a bet with your mind."
- Jim Morrison
Goni Montes
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
- Mark Twain
Tyler Jacobson
" There was a young lady named Mae
Who smoked without stopping all day;
As pack followed pack,
Her lungs first turned black,
And eventually rotted away."
- Edward Gorey, Floating Worlds: The Letters of Edward Gorey & Peter F. Neumeyer
Eric Drooker
"My smoking might be bothering you, but it's killing me.
- Anonymous
Andrew R Wright
"I drink to make other people more interesting."
- Ernest Hemingway
Mark Summers
"To smoke or not to smoke: I can make of either a life work."
- Mignon McLaughlin
Jason Seiler
"A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry to a woman."
- E.G. Bulwer Lytton