Is Your Love Like Guy Fawkes Or Kent Fire?
I often liken the exhilarating state of 'falling in love' to Guy Fawkes Night. It's a night with lots of excitement created by fire-works of such beauty that take your breath away and make your heart beat faster. The instant attraction to another person causes reason and rhyme to vanish whilst the adventure of meeting someone new begins.
It's not unusual for that bright light of 'falling in love' to die quickly like fire-works once the new relationship faces the challenges of everyday tasks and routines. Unfortunately, the media - and especially the relationship templates offered by Hollywood movies - bombard us with caricatures of love designed to make millions of profit. It's not their intention to up-skill people for better relationships.
What then is in story for those who are not discouraged by the fading fire-works of Guy Fawkes and who are willing to do the relationship work (commitment, passion, intimacy)? My understanding is, that they settle in front of a Kent-Fire (for the non-Kiwis - this is a wood-burner to heat a room or house). Rather than being sustained by one night of fire-works they'll get a warm, lasting sense of closeness and dependability from the Kent fire.
Science has shown us that people get a helping hand for the 'Kent-Fire-Feeling' from a hormone released in the brain called Oxytocin. It's the same hormone that plays an important part in the birthing process and in breastfeeding. Oxytocin is believed to be vital in the process of couples attaching and bonding emotionally. This hormone is released when you cuddle, touch or kiss each other, and especially when you engage in sexual intimacy.
But don't be mistaken and rely for the success of your relationship on a hormone. Long lasting, consummate love depends on the three mainstays of intimacy (closeness, connectedness, and bondedness), passion (romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation), and commitment (the decision to remain with each other, share achievements, and make plans together).
Gudrun Frerichs, PhD is the director and founder of Psychological Resolutions Ltd. Visit her website for information about counselling, coaching, psychotherapy, and training courses for professional and personal development. You will find relationship solutions through advanced communication skills. Instead of learning "communication by numbers" you will be taken on a step by step journey to emotional intelligence (self-awreness, self-management, understanding others, and managing others).
