For the longest time, I had spent time being someone rather than identifying who I really am. And to tell you the truth, it felt good and sometimes, really really good. I was comfortable being someone, it felt like I was wearing a use and throw mask. It was simple, I’d meet someone or maybe see someone on screen, get inspired by them and imitate them. For couple of hours or maybe for a day, or maybe till the effect of the mask wears off. I don’t care what they eat, but I’d closely observe how they eat, how they hold the fork when they are chewing, up or down! My mind would question everything about them and my eyes would analyse every action of theirs’ closely, and once I am done making their mould in my head, I’d then go to somewhere alone and come out as a different person. I’d be careful so that I don’t exactly look like their clone, but I used to do that neatly. I’d steal their identity and then throw it somewhere never to be found again. Now, I don't know anyone who does that, but last year, while chatting with someone on the internet, I couldn’t answer their question of ‘Tell me something about yourself?’
And although I kept writing and deleting my answers for almost 15 odd minutes, I had no answer whatsoever. Funny, but when I realised how deep of a question for an answer so simple it was, my system crashed in front of my eyes, unable to show a stimuli, I then again looked for someone’s face to steal. I wanted to get close to prove without realising how far I was from seeing myself.
No one around.
No imitation to take.
Sure, I've hurt and lied to a lot of people in my lifetime for which I shouldn't be forgiven, but hurting and lying to myself, everyday, without remorse or guilt, that's a punishment that has no bail. Human after all, aren't we?
Starting this year after learning from the self inflicted harm, I've learnt the most important lesson of 'being yourself' while being proud of it at every thing you do. I'm not a philosopher and this is not a philosophy. This is a fragmented realisation that hit me at a very precise time in life which I will never regret.