The Drunk
I could faintly hear the church choir as I stumbled out the bar. It can’t be Sunday, can it? Fuck me. I started drinking on the Thursday, or was it the Wednesday? I don’t know, but to be honest I couldn’t care less if it was redemption day. It took me half an hour to find my car and when I finally did I couldn’t find my keys. “Jesus Christ! Fuck!” I was swaying around like a fucking metronome trying not to throw up or piss myself as I thought about my next move. The bartender chucked me out so going back wasn’t an option. How does one even get thrown out of a place like that, fuck you’d think a dump like that would suite me perfect. While giving standing up straight my best shot I realised that I wasn’t done drinking, far from it. Any normal straight thinking person would call it a day, or in my case four days, I think. But for me to do this, drink more, I needed something, I needed cocaine and as my luck would have it, I had exactly that in my car. In my car was more or less enough drugs to kill a baby elephant, see I knew I was gonna be partying like a fucking animal over the weekend so I stocked up. No car keys, no drugs, what to do? Trying not to bring any attention to myself I looked around only to find an empty parking lot. How did I not notice this? The passenger side window would’ve been a good option, any side window would’ve been a good option. But no, I had to go for the windscreen, maybe I was still pissed off at the bartender or maybe I was just pissed off. Either way for a moment there I forgot that it was my car and that motherfucking windscreen never saw it coming.
The air seemed clean and the breeze refreshing. Usually you could taste the air and wind smelled like piss, but today, I was high as fuck. After slaying my windscreen I thought it good to snort a line of cocaine that could’ve passed for a mountain range. I had no idea where I was going but it felt like I had to be somewhere that wasn’t home and where there was beer. I stepped into an unfamiliar bar, more a tavern if you like, but I didn’t care, I needed a drink, badly. The bartender seemed unfazed by me as I gulped away half my beer with the first sip and the desert in my throat quickly turned into a greedy passage demanding beer and tequila and me just to happy to oblige. One after the other, knocking back tequila as if with purpose, I was chasing my tequila with beer. There wasn’t much to the place, a couple of old framed photo’s on the once white wall, now yellow from all the cigarette smoke, a couple of slot machines over in the corner, yeah, a real shit hole. “Church must be out by now.” I don’t why I was trying to make conversation and was regretting it as soon as the words left my mouth. Luckily the bartender was kind of a dick and didn’t say anything back, he just kind of starred at me, like a judgemental type stair, who fucking knows. Deciding that the bartender can go fuck himself I suddenly realised I needed more drugs. The lock on the cubicle was fucked but I didn’t care, it was hard to think that anyone in this place would have a problem with me getting high. I threw the rest of the bag on the toilet seat and again proceeded to climb a mountain. My nose was still burning when the bartending cunt came up from behind and thought it good to take a swing at me, luckily the stupid fuck wasn’t much of a fighter and only scraped the back of head. Its never taken much for me to loose my temper and I felt the rage spread through my body like wild fire, thank God for this little shit standing in front of me I had a moment of clarity. The drugs, I was a walking drug lab. I can’t hit this prick, if the cops shows up I am fucked. I pushed him out of my way and paced to the entrance, lucky for me he didn’t follow, lucky for him too.
Once again I found myself amongst the living and once again I hated it. Unfortunately church just came out, must’ve been the second service and I could feel those judging eyes burning into me. I’ve never cared much for religion or God and all that, to me the idea of God was at the bottom of a glass high as the sky or between the legs of a beautiful wild woman, one who fucks not make love. I couldn’t help but only see sheep looking at all these lovely church going folk, one trying to be holier than the other, one trying to pray better than the other, its kind of sad, I felt sad for them. This was too fucking depressing, I needed a drink. The cigarette smoke only made me more thirsty so flicked it after the third drag while walking around and trying to find my next drink. There was a hotel at the end of town, right next to the gigantic plantation where almost half of these people worked, but on Sundays they had this buffet lunch thing witch got taken over by all the Christians, I guess it’s just as important to be seen going to church as also going to church. The bar is separate from the dining area I thought, convincing myself to go. Why I thought I needed convincing I wouldn’t know, I was convinced as soon as I had to leave that dump I’d been drinking just before. I gathered myself and started the promising road of me not knowing my own name by the end of today.
These people made sitting at the bar feel like being convicted for rape, they never hold back when it comes to judging, the one that judges the best wins at religion I guess. But fuck’m anyway, I wasn’t going to let this make any difference in me getting completely shitfaced, I was keeping my eyes on the prize. Again I started with the tequila, this time I wasn’t holding back, much like judging and winning I was drinking and winning. Every now and again someone would come have a cigarette at the bar, mostly minding there own business and not really bothering with me. I was completely fine with that, in fact I was having quite a good time, I had beer, I had tequila and was almost on my way to smoke some crack. My nose was a bit blocked so I thought it better not to punish him further and rather leave the mountainside and go rock climbing. I was surprised to find the bar a bit more lively on my return, people were shedding their church skins and came looking for a different truth witch the bartender was more than happy to preach. My heart was going at 100mph and it felt fucking great, I haven’t smoked good shit like this in a while. I had to collect my thoughts and take a couple of deep breaths before I joined in on the bartenders sermon, he was preaching and I was believing. This was fucking awesome, I was having a blast and surprisingly no one tried to convince me of anything, not a man walking on water, no man on a boat with a lot pets not even a man in the sky whom has the ability to impregnate women without actually penetrating them. They almost seemed normal.
The sun was long gone by the time I stepped out for another puff. The moon was in full swing lighting up the plantation and giving it an almost unnatural beauty. If at all there was a reason why I needed to get this fucking wasted these last couple of days, I would’ve wanted this to be it, me in this moment. “Naughty naughty.” I went ice cold as the words tore me from my thoughts. As quick as a drunk, stoned, completely fucked me could, I tried to hide the evidence, but it was too late. “What you got there?” I took my hand out of my pocket and showed her the pipe, what else could I have done? She took the pipe out of my hand and without any hesitation or shame asked me for my lighter. I could see the smoke dancing through the pipe before hitting her lips, only then seeing her face. The moon had again blessed me with unspeakable beauty. The light made her hair sparkle, it was flowing and as she
tilted her head back it was as if there were water running down her back. As she blew out the smoke her lips turned into a pout witch in turn made me semi hard. She isn’t someone you fuck, to her you only make love and only hope you last long enough so not to disappoint her. With her it would only be about her, hearing her cry out with pleasure will ruin all other women for me. For a moment there I almost believed the story of God and Mary, it just seemed unreal that two humans can create something so beautiful. I had to look away when our eyes met, there was no possible way for me to hold the gaze. She took my hand and placed the pipe back into it, her touch reminded me to breathe, I didn’t even realise I wasn’t breathing. She had me and she probably knew it too.
As always reality is never subtle and the warning it gave felt like a kick in the gut. I found myself standing at a gravesite of a night before, every step taring from the floor trying not to step on the corpses of beer bottles and whiskey glasses. The cancerous overflowing ashtrays turned the once joyful infectious air into a depressing self loathing stink. “Everyone went down to the lake.” The bartender wasn’t trying to hide the fact that he wanted me out of there so I didn’t bother him for another drink. I thanked him and left him a big tip, he deserved it. The lake ran through the main plantation and the only way of getting there was by foot, forgetting for a moment that I had left my car in town and that I’ve lost the keys. I fiddled through my pockets and came across some acid, I didn’t even hesitate. The walk quickly turned into ,what could’ve been a tiring stretch, a graceful stroll. I thought my acid guy was full of shit when he said these were Hoffmans. It didn’t take long for my inner hippie to surface. The plantation, now a rain forrest, was full of life and the beating of its heart pulsated through my veins. The leaves swayed into a ballet of green as it singled out the leading lady while the wind shook the branches into a standing ovation. Even being as heavily sedated as I was the world had turned from its dull repetitive endlessness to a wondrous festival of life almost revealing a meaning to the whole rat race thing we have come to follow so blindly.
The darkness and silence felt thick, almost weaving into my skin as I blundered onwards. Every step cracked like lightning, leaving an invasive unnatural trail of footprints at my rear. But it didn’t take long before the layers of this silent darkness tore from my mind and was replaced with the inviting cheers and laughter of what sounded like muffled English. It got clearer and louder as I found myself steering towards the distant noises, hypnotised by the idea of fellow forest dwellers. My heart felt light and alive, sharpening my fogged up mind as I felt my stomach knot with excitement and turning the lost stroll through this see of green, into a joyous jog towards the ever longing human need of camaraderie. My entrance was less graceful than anticipated not knowing that the brush would give way too a stretched out sand bank where the festivities had moved and chaotically escalated. For a moment I felt completely disconnected, almost not part of their human race, animal like, weak prey amongst assassin predators, while stumbling uninvited upon their openly overindulging congress of sin. Wondering in which way they will expose of me I stood frozen stiff, standing out like a stupid stiff cock at a ‘Promise Ring Congress’. I was way to wasted too even try and run away from these backward hillbilly bastards and jumping into this river trying to swim away will probably kill me faster than any of these fuckers can. But then I heard it, his voice carried the words as if heaven sent, well, in a sense. Sounding like the dumbest fucking angel I’ve ever heard, but angel non the less. ‘It’s you, the crazy man, you bought half my stock the
other day. How the fuck are you still alive?’ My dealer was away on business and I was forced to make other arrangements, this dumb fucking idiot just so happened to be my other arrangement. Their cutthroat gazes quickly turned into friendly laughter and I didn’t feel the need to piss myself anymore as angel Billy Bob approached me.
Too my utmost surprise, what had earlier seemed would be my final resting place, was now turning into an again drug induced murder of brain cells get together, luckily I was so sedated that I immediately fitted in. Billy Bob, or whatever Captain Cracker’s name was didn’t let me out of his sight, I had spent more money buying drugs from him in one day than one of these tree killing bastards probably made in a whole season, so he thought it good too return the favour, by almost killing me with whatever possible illegal bundle of joy he could force feed me. Slowly but surely I was closing in on my goal, my last stretch, my well deserved gold medal.
‘Well if it isn’t the mysterious knight in shinning armour, or rather, maybe, shadowing thief of the night.’ Her voice consumed any train of thought, leaving me numb too all other outside influence. Nothing could’ve prepared me for this, for her. But I played her presence of as if unfazed by it. I had too keep my wits sharp around her, any ‘in’ she could possibly find would leave my defences weak and exposed. For a moment she was taken aback by my new defence strategy and how my demeanour had turn from being powerless in her presence too taking control over the situation. But she was a veteran at warfare of the heart and quickly gathered herself sending in reinforcements. ‘You had me worried handsome, I thought I had lost you to the night, it would’ve been such a shame.’ Trying to keep the mystery in our obviously flirtatious driven encounters I replied with, ‘A shame would’ve been facing tomorrow mornings’ sun with an unruffled heart, luckily for me, earlier tonight I met this mysterious woman and she left my heart with no familiar rhythm to follow.’ Intentionally she smirked shyly, knowing the power it had. Goddammit she’s good. I offered her a drink as a pathetic counter attack not taking advantage of the tiny little bit of weakness she was exposing, wanting me to take control. The night was running its course as we found ourselves astray from the pack walking down the river bank fighting our lustful hearts with flattering mindless conversation.
There are moments in one’s life that bears no secrets, moments almost cruel with clarity, moments of worth. Perfection is found in two flawed souls surrendering with only the intent to consume one another, a lust for love. The moon shook as the rabbit leapt from her, making sure no one else bore witness too a moment given not for gain but only for hope, the hope of love. The river silenced the trees wanting us to hear our hearts converse while the darkness quietly crept into the distance so our eyes could explore our frail and desperately wanting figures. Time stood still while we, busy drowning in a moment carving its raw infinite memory, surrendered to each other as our lips met in an almost hauntingly beautiful moment. Freely giving away our flesh, grabbing at what we prayed would last just long enough to forget any connection to our redundant reality, we shared the illusion of a lasting love. Out of breath and clenching to each other we laid motionless, neither of us wanting to disturb night. But slowly the darkness lingered out from hiding as our souls broke from the safety, both returning too their flawed shelter strengthening their defences. The beauty barely escaped as time had caught up forcing the harshness of reality upon us. But even that couldn’t steal our shared moment, our secret moment, a secret shared between two strangers about how their souls vulnerably but fiercely
once loved another.
After a while I could only faintly make out her silhouette as she left me behind, wondering back in the direction we earlier escaped chaos. Making sure to also leave behind any idea of love, leaving behind any chance to get hurt. For some time I could only sit there while trying to find some rational thought so to make sense of it all. But again, laughing at my frail heart my disillusioned mind had sold my soul to the highest bidder.
The stars had hurried away to find their position at the other side of the planet as the sun cracked through the trees with all its might.
