There has been no direct authentication, but several Ruckus area ephemera experts agree with near certainty that this is the only known image of Kermit Gunter Peale Futch. Futch was an early adopter of turkey racing for the vertically challenged, as well as being the inventor of the Peale Manure Fork. He was also the great-great-great-grandfather of Konrad Gunterfutch, Ruckus Gap's official taxidermist and holder of an unprecedented record for longevity (see council resolution below, honoring his meteoric rise to fame by living to age fifty-seven and counting)
RESOLUTION RECOGNIZING KONRAD GUNTERFUTCH
SUBMITTED BY: ROSCOE PATTERN, SR. SPECIALTARY TO CHAIRMAN BAITFINCH STUCKEY
WHEREAS, Konrad Gunterfutch has dwelt upon Ruckus soil fifty-seven years; and
WHEREAS, Konrad has outlived Tiny Steen and Clawdy H. Snipes of North and East Ruckus respectively, aged forty-seven and fifty (formerly) respectively, and;
WHEREAS, said survival qualifies the aforementioned as the oldest human being in the village, hamlet, and shire of Ruckus Gap and;
WHEREAS, Mr. Gunterfutch has achieved his elder status despite a multitude of infractions upon his bodily function and well-being and;
WHEREAS, Konrad credits his longevity to a steady diet of pork rinds, mineral spirits, and powdered lime, and;
WHEREAS, Konrad has never smoked more than thirty cigarettes in any given day and;
WHEREAS, by the age of five, Mr. Gunterfutch had shot off both of his big toes in separate gun-cleaning accidents and;
WHEREAS, when he was seventeen, he lost his right hand at the Stuckey Brothers Sawmill and;
WHEREAS, at the age of thirty, Mr. Gunterfutch lost his right leg below the knee in the Squirrel Bend mine explosion and;
WHEREAS, Konrad was once descended upon by no fewer than three chicken-hawks while transporting salted mutton and;
WHEREAS, the elder citizen was the Ultimate Chieftain of the Hellgrammites Motorcycle Club for twelve of the last nineteen years, with the other seven being spent, in various incremental durations, in the Ruckus Valley Penitentiary for taxidermy plagiarism and forgery, and;
WHEREAS, he kept the majority of his teeth until he was forty-two, despite being the reigning champion of the semi-annual Ruckus Rockbiters Challenge and;
WHEREAS, he was the first to climb Mount Lowly on crutches, so therefore be it
RESOLVED, that Konrad Gunterfutch will heretofore be cared for by the nursing staff of Hemlock Shaftwell Infirmary, free of charge for the rest of his natural life (assuming the duration of that span of existence doesn't exceed the serviceability of the care facility and that he is willing to abide by code of ethics enforced by said institution). ENTERED BY THE CLERK OF COUNCIL, THIMPSON FILAGREE, 3-4-16
SUBMITTED BY: ROSCOE PATTERN, SR. SPECIALTARY TO CHAIRMAN BAITFINCH STUCKEY
WHEREAS, Konrad Gunterfutch has dwelt upon Ruckus soil fifty-seven years; and
WHEREAS, Konrad has outlived Tiny Steen and Clawdy H. Snipes of North and East Ruckus respectively, aged forty-seven and fifty (formerly) respectively, and;
WHEREAS, said survival qualifies the aforementioned as the oldest human being in the village, hamlet, and shire of Ruckus Gap and;
WHEREAS, Mr. Gunterfutch has achieved his elder status despite a multitude of infractions upon his bodily function and well-being and;
WHEREAS, Konrad credits his longevity to a steady diet of pork rinds, mineral spirits, and powdered lime, and;
WHEREAS, Konrad has never smoked more than thirty cigarettes in any given day and;
WHEREAS, by the age of five, Mr. Gunterfutch had shot off both of his big toes in separate gun-cleaning accidents and;
WHEREAS, when he was seventeen, he lost his right hand at the Stuckey Brothers Sawmill and;
WHEREAS, at the age of thirty, Mr. Gunterfutch lost his right leg below the knee in the Squirrel Bend mine explosion and;
WHEREAS, Konrad was once descended upon by no fewer than three chicken-hawks while transporting salted mutton and;
WHEREAS, the elder citizen was the Ultimate Chieftain of the Hellgrammites Motorcycle Club for twelve of the last nineteen years, with the other seven being spent, in various incremental durations, in the Ruckus Valley Penitentiary for taxidermy plagiarism and forgery, and;
WHEREAS, he kept the majority of his teeth until he was forty-two, despite being the reigning champion of the semi-annual Ruckus Rockbiters Challenge and;
WHEREAS, he was the first to climb Mount Lowly on crutches, so therefore be it
RESOLVED, that Konrad Gunterfutch will heretofore be cared for by the nursing staff of Hemlock Shaftwell Infirmary, free of charge for the rest of his natural life (assuming the duration of that span of existence doesn't exceed the serviceability of the care facility and that he is willing to abide by code of ethics enforced by said institution). ENTERED BY THE CLERK OF COUNCIL, THIMPSON FILAGREE, 3-4-16
