The Thoughts Series

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This is the "Thoughts Series"

A series of photographs created based on the thoughts people have. They can be secrets, something you've never told someone, something you wished you told someone, or something that runs through your head at any point in your life. These are all real quotes from real people, and these are their stories.

"I think about what the world would be like if I weren't here...not as in suicide, but what if people never met me? Who's life have I impacted so much that it would matter if I weren't here?"

Hey guys! So this is the beginning of a very intense photo series I've started called "The Thoughts Series". I asked all of my followers, social media friends, and friends and family to participate and help me gather a series of thoughts. The question was simple, "Can you tell me something you think about, have thought about, or have never told someone before that you are willing to share?"

I promised to keep the responses anonymous for confidentiality, but what I got, was unexpected.

I never expected this project to be much other than messing around with some film and polaroids, but what it became was something intense and in depth. The things people shared with me were not only shocking, but extremely hard to grasp. I know more than half of these people very closely, and some of the things they thought about shocked me completely. Some thoughts shared were good, others were intense and hard to grasp, and others were down right silly. But the point is this, everyone may appear to be a certain way, but the thoughts they keep to themselves are unlike any other. Someone you know very well can appear to be the happiest person in the world, but they could also be in the most pain. The depths of a person's soul are so much deeper than you can ever imagine...You may think you know everything about someone, but you only know what they allow you to see on the surface.

(Keep in mind when you read these, that these are quotes from real people, real stories, real scenarios, and nothing was changed from the original quotations.)

"My thought is that I have always felt that I won't amount to anything. Unfortunately...I don't feel any worth in myself. I wish I was ambitious and I wish I was confident. I portray a false confidence."

Sometimes we portray a false confidence to appear like we are secure and happy, but sometimes that isn't always true. Sometimes we hide behind false confidence or masks instead of showing people the depths of our souls. We fear what others might think of us, what our futures may hold, and even what our family might think of the choices we have made. But those false confidences can only confine so much before they break.

I feel like sometimes we all wear a mask, hide behind confidence when we actually feel insecure or afraid of something. We hide behind the masks we create for ourselves so that others won't sense any sense of failure, fear, or insecurity.

For years I was told that I wouldn't make it, I wasn't good enough, I'd never go anywhere in life if I chose a career doing what I loved. And for years it plagued me. I struggled with confidence, I doubted myself, and gave up on a lot of my hopes and dreams. I put on a show of confidence that made me seem like I had things going for me, when in reality I hated every minute of my future I was creating for myself. It wasn't until I finally chose to do what I love and put those fears to rest, was when I finally shed the false confidence and became stronger because of it.

Masks can only hold us back for so long before something gives. In order to overcome these insecurities, you have to face them at some point in life. Confront them, make the insecurities shrink away into nothingness. False confidence can only last for so long until it breaks you or becomes who you are...and maybe then, it'll help you recognize that you are worth it, you are becoming a better person and making something greater than you expected. Sometimes we just have to remove the mask to find out...

After much debating, I decided to repost the image that I took for today's post. The person who this was for/ the thought behind it was very important to them and they wanted me to share it to make the point of this. What I'm about to share is not to be a mockery, to offend, or to insinuate that this particular topic is funny or to be joked about. This is a very serious topic and it should be handled delicately, but bluntly. Those who think cutting, depression, suicide, etc is a joke or isnt to be taken seriously you are ignorant and absolutely wrong. I apologize to those who find this offensive, but after talking to the person who's thought it belonged to... it meant too much to them not to be shared. I hope that all who see this take this as a message not as an insult. I hope all who see it are affected in some way, good or bad, and that they take into consideration how it makes them feel, how you see things after reading the back story, and how you think about your own life. This series is meant to make you feel something. It is meant to bring up things that hurt, things that aren't fair, and things that matter in this world. Things that most people would be too afraid to actually tell you to your face. Things that people sweep under the rug and pretend like they don't exist.

So this picture was a difficult concept to gather but I felt that this was the best way I could.

What does it mean to be truly invisible?
Does it mean we aren't popular or don't have friends? Does it mean we don't exist to our families or those around us? Are we literally unseen by people we greet each and everyday?

Or is it something deeper, more psychological. A feeling of loss. A feeling of losing oneself to depression, fear, anger, insecurity. I feel like so many people I talked to about this topic felt "invisible" and it made me question why.

The people who told me they felt this particular way shocked me. Not in a million trillion years would I have guessed they felt invisible to others. These people are amazing, beautiful, and appear to be so confident...but yet they told themselves "be invisible". And it made me question what it truly means to feel invisible to those around you.

So many of us struggle with the lack of the attention we seek, whether it be through love, alcohol, drugs, etc sometimes these things become an outlet to release the pain of feeling invisible to others. So many people that I have known have turned to suicide, drugs, alcohol, even cutting, to release some of the pain they feel...even if it was only for a temporary moment.

It hurts hearing someone feels invisible, when all you want to do is show them they are worth so much more. Sometimes you just dont get the chance to even explain how much they mean to you before its too late, before they're hurting too much, or even worse...gone. Nothing can describe the pain that I've felt from losing someone to "being invisible" and feeling lost.

Depression and other psychological issues are nothing to be reckoned with. They are a dangerous pit that drags you in with each waking moment. Every ounce of it hurts, and its not fair who it claims.

I think for me the worst part of knowing people in my life have felt invisible is the turn of events it has taken....how in the end I felt invisible when they were taken from me...The loss of losing someone to suicide or depression of any type is absolutely indescribable. You can't begin to capture how painful it feels, that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach hearing what has happened to someone you just talked to on the phone, or just contacted 2 days ago...someone you saw in front of your eyes, gone, in the flash of a second.

To anyone who feels invisible or wishes they could be invisible, I say this to you. Don't.

You are worth every ounce of love, happiness, self worth, etc. You are beautiful even if some stupid guy/girl doesn't think you are. You are worth so much more than you can ever imagine...and yes, if you were gone the world would notice. You don't realize how many people in your life you affect on a daily basis. You will never know the depths of your worth in this world. Or how loved you are. You just have to trust that at the end of the day, you are the reason some people wake up. You are the reason someone chooses to visit your store you work at or spends time looking at your work/reading your stories and posts on facebook. You are always worth more than you can ever imagine possible, and I hope that knowing there is one person out there who cares enough about you, is enough for you to keep on going. Being strong.

"I think about what I'm doing with my life. Constantly trying to make sure I'm on the right path. Sometimes I think about if there were alternate realities. What if things went this way or that? Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough, sometimes too much. A lot of times my thoughts are everywhere. Finances, significant others, family, friends, work, fun things, sad things, and somedays it's just kittens and puppies"

Life choices...Decisions. Big parts of everyone's life. I feel like I can completely relate to this particular thought.

When you graduate high school, they pat you on the back and shove you out into a world of things you never expected. Suddenly you're expected to know what you want to do with the rest of your life. Suddenly you can make mistakes, you can stay up until whatever time you want, date whomever you want, or even just sit on the couch all day if you feel like it. But the biggest struggle we all face with life is choices.

Am I making the right choice for me? My family? My significant other?

Am I following my dreams or that of someone else?

Am I making smart choices for the future of my child?

What they don't prepare you for in high school, is the unexpected curve balls life will throw at you. Going to college.

Having a baby.
Getting married.
Or even just deciding what kind of career you want to be doing.

Life is full of so many ups and downs and you can either learn from it, or run from it (lion king quote ftw!)

But the main point is life is unexpected
unplanned
unpredictable

And in these moments we have to decide what we feel is best for ourselves and our futures. If you live life based on someone else's idea of a future for you, then is it really your life? Are you truly living your life to the fullest it can be lived? Or are you living in someone else's future they never had?

"Secrets"

"Why doesn't she tell anyone about us?"

Secrets secrets are no fun. They cause pain and hurt for everyone.

This particular thought that I received was an interesting one. I didn't quite know what to think of it. "Why doesn't she tell anyone about us?" This type of thought could go a number of ways. It could mean cheating, it could be a secret relationship that someone's afraid for a parent to find out, or it could mean that the relationship is kept quiet for unknown reasons.

I have never quite understood why people hide their relationships. I don't understand how you could keep secret someone you love and adore. But for many out there this is a real thing. A real situation that they face everyday.

Will they tell about us?
Will they accept us for who we are?
Will his/her parents hate us for this?

Many people face this situation daily. Whether it be a young boy who is afraid to come out to his parents about being gay, a transgendered girl wanting her parents to know how she really feels, or even a man cheating on his wife with another woman, these are real life secrets people face everyday.

Maybe we're all afraid of judgement. Maybe we're afraid of being unaccepted by our families for who we really are in our hearts. Maybe we're just afraid of what might happen to our significant other involved in the picture.

But in reality, secrets only eat away. They hurt. They cause you to put a wall around yourself so that no one will find out the truth.

But the truth will always set you free.

"Love Hurts"

"As much as you know and love someone, as much as they say you can trust them, you still can never really trust anybody. Their brain can switch at any moment. People say you can't have love without trust, and I'm struggling with that. I have love and as much trust as I can. But I can't full put my trust in anyone...It's just so easy for people to lie because you never know what's actually going on in their head..."

Hey guys! Sorry I went MIA for a few days! Life has been a little crazy lately getting back into school.

This topic is one that hits home for me.

Trust.

Its something that takes years to build and only seconds to break. Once you damage someone's trust it can take a very long time for it to rebuild, if it ever can be rebuilt again. To me, trust is giving someone a loaded weapon and hoping they won't turn on you. Trust can be something so powerful, yet so fragile.

Why is that?

Why is it that once we break it, it can take so long to fix? What makes it so delicate?

Trust is something that makes up the context of everything in our life. You trust that your alarm will go off tomorrow, you trust your heart to keep beating, you trust your loved ones to always be there for you, you trust your friends with secrets, you put trust in a lot of things. You just don't realize it...but why is it that when that trust is put into another human being, it suddenly becomes a delicate rose? Fragile, beautiful, yet painful if destroyed.

Trusting another human becomes something different entirely from trusting something like your lungs to keep breathing..but why is that? What makes trust in another so delicate?

You trust your significant other to protect you, to love you, to hold you up when things get rough, to be faithful to you.. But once that trust is broken with a past relationship (or current), it becomes so difficult to rebuild.

Its like picking up shards of glass and trying to rearrange them as perfectly as they were before you broke it.

I'm not quite sure what makes trust seem so fragile when it comes to other humans, maybe its because we begin to feel just as fragile ourselves...

"Absolute Darkness"

"Even behind the brightest of smiles, living inside lies absolute darkness. Deep down, people are depressed or fighting mental illness, but pretend to be okay around everyone else so that they won't worry"

So this was originally part of the polaroids series, and its still technically a part of the thoughts project, but I was way too in love with the digital version to make it into a film-esque look.

I absolutely loved this thought that I was given. What a powerful, and deep thought.

Even behind the brightest of smiles lies absolute darkness. This is something I have come to learn not only with life and the people I have encountered, but with this series. Many of the people I thought were the happiest, most well off mentally and physically...turned out to be some of the most in pain, damaged, and scarred people deep down inside. You would never imagine someone with the most beautiful smile, could be hurting so deeply. Someone with the most perfect relationship, could be fighting depression, Someone who seems to have it all might not actually have anything.

Deep inside is where we hide our secrets, our darkness. It consumes us at our core until it leaves nothing in its wake. You can put on a fake facade, and convince everyone everything is just fine...when in reality it isn't.

This project has taught me so much about those around me. Those who I may not talk to as much, but they wanted to be a part of this series, and even new friends. It has taught me about the depths of the human soul, and how far we are willing to go to convince others that we aren't what we feel inside. It has taught me how dark some thoughts truly are..

"Destruction and Balance"

"I guess my secret is that I have bipolar disorder. Being involved in the modeling industry, especially the plussize one, it's not something you can openly talk about. There's a huge stigma in the us behind mental illness. People think you depression and things like it can be fixed if you just focus and try really hard to be better and medication is a cop out. People don't understand that it'd be the same as saying "oh you wear glasses? Sucks that you have to wear them forever And you're dependent on them. I think if you just really wanted to see like everyone else you have to want it and try". Mental illness stigma causes people to never get help and be ashamed. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain. It can't be fixed by just trying to feel better.

It's something I can't talk about that seriously effects me."

Hey guys! its been awhile since I've posted more images as a part of my thoughts series! I have been waiting for about 2 weeks on Walmart to finish printing my film...turned out that they just didn't feel like calling and it had been done for over a week...thank you Walmart..appreciate the sense of urgency.

Anywho!
Now that I have successfully had my film returned and scanned into the computer, I can share some more thoughts and quotes of people around the world.

So this one was a hard one for me to portray. I feel like mental illnesses are something people don't quite understand so they choose to label it as a destructive force that interrupts the balance of everyday life. And to those suffering from a mental illness, its a scary and dark world they're forced into, where only their loved ones are truly there for them...even then sometimes they realize they're alone.

But why do we cast these people aside? Is it because they're a little different from us? Maybe they get upset easier than we do, or struggle with seeing the world how we do. But it doesn't make them any less of a human being. It makes them a stronger one if you ask me. They have to constantly take the pain and criticism of everyone around them, and yet somehow smile and make it through their lives. To me, someone struggling with mental illness and managing to make it in today's world is extremely impressive.

This page of this book (for those of you who don't know its "Wreck this journal by the amazing Keri Smith!) meant a lot when I saw it.
"Make a sudden destructive, unpredictable movement with the journal"

I feel like thats how life can be, sudden, unpredictable, maybe almost cruel in more ways than one. But sometimes people attribute these characteristics to those with mental illnesses or those who are different from themselves.

We are all different in our own unique ways and should be valued for that, not destroyed for it.