Parental alienation is when one parent deliberately tries to make their child fearful of, avoid, or reject the other parent. This alienation can manifest through actions, words, or behaviors that suggest that the targeted parent is unsafe, harmful, or abusive.
Parental alienation not only inflicts psychological harm on a child but also deprives those who would otherwise have a meaningful and emotionally connected role as parents or grandparents in the child's life. Parents experiencing alienation often react with defensive emotions and bewilderment, struggling to understand why they are being falsely accused of actions they haven't committed. They may look back on past positive interactions and the way they strove to be a good parent, wondering why they are no longer viewed in such a way by the alienating parent and their child. A sense of loss and anger often accompanies being called out as a toxic parent, coupled with fear that the alienating parent is warping the child’s worldview.
If you have been accused of parental alienation, it’s best to respond proactively and ask the other parent to lay out specific behaviors that they have observed and led them to believe you are alienating the child. Instead of reacting with anger and defensiveness, it's important to engage in self-reflection. Look for patterns that might have contributed to a cycle of contempt and arguments, and consider strategies for promoting more positive interactions.
If divorced or separated, one strategy is simply speaking well of the other parent, putting up pictures of the other parent in the child’s room, or even stating that you still like, respect, and care for the other parent. Whatever negative feelings you might have, realize that there is an even greater negative downside in losing your child's affection as a result of parental differences. Even if the other parent's words and actions may lack objective truth or justification, it's crucial to remember that they are still someone cherished and heeded by the child. Both parents genuinely care for the child's well-being.
It's also important to start documenting instances of parental alienation. This involves noting changes in the child’s behavior, such as being uncommunicative or lashing out. Ideally, these changes can be verified by those around the child, such as teachers and coaches. Impartial witnesses who lack a personal stake in the situation may be necessary to provide an unbiased account of behavioral changes. Without this external support, substantiating claims in mediation or, if necessary, in a court of law, can prove exceedingly difficult.
A related issue is that when asked to explain one's actions, either in therapy sessions or before a judge, alienated parents tend to become on edge and extremely defensive. This is compounded by the fact that the child is often experiencing a kind of abuse that they are unaware of. Under the influence of an alienating parent, they may say or do things that they do not really believe. When the child rejects them, it is the alienated parent who takes the blame, often in the form of unfounded accusations. In essence, addressing parental alienation is an intricate and incremental journey that often benefits from introspection and adopting a constructive approach to how the other parent is spoken of and treated.
