This summer I had a series of nightmares that seemingly brought back fragments of my forgotten past, in and out of hospitals. Being a chronically ill child, you never really understand what’s happening in your life. Doctors talk to parents and parents sugar coat everything. Yet, even when you are too young to understand your medical problems, your dad crying to the doctor cannot be good.
You live your childhood not just physically sick, but in a state of constant anxiety, fearing the unknown, worrying about your parents and your siblings. You become numb to the constant pain and surgeries and are more affected by the guilt of being sick. You ignore your sickness, become a zombie with the cocktail of medication and pretend everything is fine. You rewire your brain and become a highly functional robot of an adult, making up for all the lost time in your youth whilst simultaneously putting everyone else first. You end up believing your lies and you forget your own history, ‘redacting’ years of your life, leaving nothing but nightmares… And medical files of course
This project employs digital editing techniques such as cutting and blurring faces to evoke emotional responses and establish a profound connection to altered narratives. The blue colour scheme is inspired by the colours of the NHS, further helping show my anxiety by making the design colder and more clinical. Trauma appearing in the form of nightmares and cherished childhood memories are seamlessly integrated, providing emotional touchpoints for viewers. Presented in the form of a zine, the project invites reflection on the malleability of personal memories and the emotional significance of reinterpretations.
Within this artistic exploration, the narrative unfolds as an emotional landscape, depicting the hues of anxiety, trauma, and the recollection of memories previously blocked by past traumas as well as critiquing the broader issue of children in the hospital system. In confronting the intensity of waking emotions, the journey leads towards understanding, self-acceptance, and a gradual reconstruction of the self, unearthing forgotten aspects of the past.
