MFA Thesis Project
Daddy
Saturday, October 18, 1997, at 11:03 p.m. we were both transformed. I became daughter, and he became Daddy. Our existences were no longer exclusive but, were now connected forever. To solidify this connectivity, I have been marked with his facial features, mannerisms, and personality traits. Our stubbornness and pride are what threatens our bond.
My relationship with Daddy was formed by action and inaction. Presence and absence. I constructed my identity around him. Around his reactions toward me and my reactions to him. The more he worked the more I would isolate myself. The less he remembered about me the more invisible I felt.
Daddy serves as a manifesto for myself and a letter to Daddy. Within it I seek to reflect on the past to comprehend the good intentions he had. I look to untangle our identities so that who I am can emerge. I pray this work grants hope to myself and other women needing to become themselves, rather than their fathers.
I wonder if Daddy still sees me as his little girl.
Does Daddy remember playing with Grandpa?
I am starting to accept the fact that I never heard Grandpa preach.
Daddy is a confident man. He is committed to providing for his family.
I didn't know that guarded love worked on multiple planes.
Henbits remind me of my childhood. They tasted so bitter.
I was never as good as Daddy in basketball or anything else.
Imitation was the best form of flattening my identity.
I eventually realized that what is presented isn't always the full story.
I was cherished in ways that were hidden by insecurities and pride.
I was never grateful for his only bedtime story.
Grandpa was Daddy's paragon.
My vision was blurred with insecurities. I didn't see Daddy's humanity.
I wonder if Daddy saw my desperation to honor him.
"Look to the Lord and HIs strength; seek His face always."
After years, I realized half our strain was because of me.
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