Dream Analysis
By
Busta Grimes
Though I only read six pages of The Complete Idiots Guide to Dream Interpretation, I am already a renowned expert on dream analysis. Each week, my frail mailbox is virtually bursting at the seams from the thousands of letters and checks I receive from naïve, yet generous people who are willing to pay for explanations to their dreams. Thanks to this magnificent publication, I no longer have to work for a living. What follows are interpretations to the most common slumber-induced imaginings of the subconsciousness. Ya know, dreams.
Winning Money
Dreams about winning money are the most deceptive of all. It rarely, if ever, means a person will be financially successful or unexpectedly prosperous. It is more likely a premonition that one has made an unwise investment. Or, that your car will not start in the morning. Dreams with reference to suddenly procuring enormous amounts of legal tender- out of plane dumb luck generally reflect much more concrete, real-life emergencies, such as losing an earring or going blind.
Being Chased
As a rule, the dream is usually about the IRS or the mafia. There are easy ways to determine who is pursuing you and scaring the poop out of your Pampers by careful examination of the visuals. If shiny black cars, machine-guns, and a guy named Vinnie is involved, it means the mob is after you. And the best guess is; your time is up. If you dream a bunch of men in tweed jackets and horn-rimed glasses are chasing you, and none of them is Woody Allen, then the IRS is looking for you and if you don’t pay, you’ll have your legs broken by a guy named Vinnie.
It is common for people to dream of being chased by someone wielding a huge knife. The nightmare is not what it suggests. The tenant of such a dream precedes immense good fortune, like falling in love, or being acquitted of murder. On the other hand, if you dream, there is a nine-inch cleaver sticking out of your back, call EMS. It isn’t a dream.
The Vision of Siddhartha
If you dream you are an extremely wealthy chap, with a ‘Fat-crib’, drop-dead fine wife, three beautiful children, and you just pick your butt up and leave your family and all worldly possessions to pursue a quest of spirituality, you have dreamed of being The Buddha. The most fêted deadbeat dad in the history of the ancient world. This experience is more of a premonition. Often it means your attorney is sleeping with your wife and together they plan to clean you out. But you won’t care because you’ll be under the Bohdi Tree obtaining enlightenment, with your broke ass.
Overpopulation
If you are a woman who dreams of overpopulation, it means you are pregnant. Or you need to stop sleeping around. In either case one usually wakes up feeling like a ho. A man who dreams of over population will knock somebody up or turn to crack. If one dreams of overpopulation while living in China Town, it is not a dream; it’s time to leave New York City.
Being Abducted by A UFO
These figments of nocturnal invention often mimic life to the point where the dreamer sincerely believes they have been abducted by extra-terrestrials. Usually, one will find themselves in a strange world where everyone is green, four feet tall and it is very difficult to find shoes that fit. It is important to pinch yourself when “waking-up” from such a trance. If you feel no pain, it is not a dream and you had better do some fast-talking.
Poltergeist
If you dream of a poltergeist lurking around in a friend’s house, it’s a good idea to not sleep over there for a while. If it is about your house, it often indicates someone is stealing from you. Usually small bills from your wallet. If you have kids, you might as well pull out that beating-belt right now.
Dreams of inanimate objects suddenly darting around the room can be foretelling of unfortunate things to come. Alfred Spinemill had a nocturnal vision where an old tractor he had stored in his barn suddenly started working. When he woke up the engine was running. Spinemiller stepped over to examine the machine and it and ran him over. His wife then ran off with his attorney.
Dreams of poltergeist often accompany occupants of homes that are haunted in any number of ways. In fact, the term flying saucers originally come from the description of poltergeist activity. “Hey, look at the saucer flying.” was a common expression in American homes long before UFOs were spotted.
Haunts
If you dream your house is haunted, expect company. This vision is foretelling of ghosts soon to be arriving. And chances are good- they’re staying awhile. It is possible to live with spirits in peace and harmony if reasonable rental rates can be established and they don’t play music too loud on work nights. Be aware, however, spirits often frighten people in the wee hours by knocking things over in the kitchen when they get a midnight snack. Obviously, there are countless advantages to living in a haunted house. In the event of a break-in, ghosts are certainly a lot more reliable than a burglar alarm system or a dog.
Dreams of Dead Relatives
In these imaginations, the family member one dreams about is usually trying to borrow money or your car. Don’t do it. Nocturnal aberrations are notorious for stuffing people with personal loans and usually return the vehicle empty. Relatives, who have long since kicked the bucket, appearing in dreams usually, have important messages to impart. Unfortunately, it’s never anything truly valuable, like the winning lottery numbers. Ironically, case studies have revealed that dreams of departed relatives are often misleading in the messages conveyed. For this reason alone, never take stock advice from your Uncle Leon no matter how swift a player he was on Wall Street while alive. If you are engaged to be married and your deceased ex-wife appears in a dream warning you not to marry “that skanky ho”, you’ve found the right girl. But chances are good you’ll be haunted for the rest of your life.
Dream of Someone Dying
Dreams of acquaintances dying are most unsettling. Unless it’s about somebody you don’t like. Generally, they fall into two categories: premonitions where you foresee someone’s ultimate demise, or personal pathological dreams that reflect how you really feel about a person. In either case, it usually makes falling back to sleep a bitch. The big question is, should you tell the person you know you had a dream they died? Or do you keep it bottled up inside? Personally, I found it better to get it off my chest. I called a friend at four in the morning and said: “Hey man, I just had a dream where you were violently murdered,” then hung up. He was up all night, but I slept like a baby.
It is important to remember that a dream of dying does not necessarily indicate physical death. It often means a major change in your life is soon to occur, like inheriting a fortune or being shot. If you dream of murdering someone else, it is advisable to avoid him or her for a while. And by no means ever walk up to a person and say: “You know, last night I had a vivid dream where I slipped a plastic bag over your head and suffocated you until you turned blue, breathe your last breath, and died. Have a nice day!”
If you dream of someone you know trying to kill you, you had better pick up some pepper spray and lay low for a while.
The End
All contents in the collection titled You Always Hurt The One You Love
is protected by the United States Copyright Office. Any publication, public performance, duplication, or recording is prohibited without the permission of the author Gary O’Connor aka Busta Grimes. Copyright 2023
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