When you break, you can see all the parts you needed to see. When one part tells you, your benevolence is your biggest foe then you start realizing that you were entrapped in a toxic environment and whatever you were doing was in the favor of it. Sometimes I feel strangely subdued when I think of it, intangible but great turmoil. Is this benevolence friends with toxic environment/people? Or maybe I was nurtured this way. I feel like this kindness, patience, forgiving nature, letting go, setting up boundaries have nothing to do with changing the world. You have to be flexible yet strong and unapologetic at the same time. Because sadly the fact is, you cannot actually change anything around if they are steeped in poison.I might have been foolish but not a wrongdoer. I always kept my eyes closed in the havoc and got badly injured and traumatized. Maybe all the scare comes from our childhood.We feel stuck in a rut, unable to say ‘no’ to our parents and people who we are so much in love with, unable to put an end to their controlling behavior, unable to grab hold of our own separate lives, simply because we fear that they might get hurt or somehow we will lose them. I cannot be disobedient, I cannot disrespect or disappoint my loved ones. Sadly, We grow up in a belief system according to which children should always make their parents proud and happy (instead of making themselves proud and happy)- and that’s unfortunately the belief system in most cultures and fuel to the toxicity and when it outgrows, it become something else, sometimes bigger and life ruining. And we battle to find out the pretext.
