An unwanted guest
I was visited by a stranger one day,
She called herself Ana and requested to stay.
How long I asked?
But she would not say.
At first she was polite, easy company
Never demanded anything, it was strange you see
It was strange because she required no bed
And never once did she ask if she could be fed.
I would offer her breakfast- she would decline politely
‘A glass of water would be fine for me’
Any lunch or dinner? I continued to ask
‘No I’m so full from breakfast, I think I will pass’
This soon became quite uncomfortable for me,
A feeling arose in my stomach; I felt guilty!
It felt so strange that there we both sat
Only me with my sandwich, my crisps…I felt fat.
My quiet guest Ana suddenly spoke up,
She had ideas and plans that would help ‘cheer me up’.
She said she could make me feel happy and strong,
That the guilt would just vanish; I would do nothing wrong.
She said I would be perfect and right there you see,
That word is how Ana gained trust from me.
I asked how long she was able to stay
‘For you my new friend, all day, every day’.
Her plan was basic, an easy target to meet:
Each day I would simply avoid food- just not eat.
Ana lived in my mind to help me resist,
Help me block out the hunger from the meals that I’d missed.
I was ‘fat, worthless and selfish’ which did upset me
But it was all part of the plan to stop me eating you see.
Her tactics were ruthless and through the words that she said
I believed that I did not deserve to be fed.
The worst thing of all was the lies that I told.
Ana never showed mercy, always said to be bold
‘Act!’ she would say ‘and convince them you’ve eaten’
Backing down was not an option, Ana wouldn’t be beaten.
She was sharp and creative with more than one trick:
Hiding food, over exercising and of course being sick.
Ana’s methods were extreme, they were agonisingly cruel,
She ruined my education and friendships at school.
The destruction of my family was her most evil play,
I just hope that my parents will forgive me some day
‘Tell me Ana, when will you go?’ I would say
I cannot leave now, you need me to stay!
She restricted my diet so the less that I ate
The quicker and easier it became to lose weight.
Ana played with my mind; ‘Em, you’re not even ill’
Knowing these lies that she told had the power to kill
I became tired and weak; all movements were slower.
My mental state deteriorated, my mood got lower and lower.
So down and depressed, without faith or hope
I even tried to end it all, I just couldn’t cope.
My weight dropped so quickly- from 8 to 5 stone,
I wasn’t Emily anymore, I was a shell; skin and bone.
Only then did I realise that I’d been such a fool,
Ana never wanted my happiness, she was no friend at all.
Her goal became clear, what she really wanted of me:
To starve me to death like a true enemy.
So here I am, in a Clinic getting help that I need.
I won’t lie it’s a struggle, but I’m determined to succeed
I’m determined to beat this thing that wanted me dead,
Remove Ana from my life and kick her out of my head.
I was visited by a stranger that day
‘Anorexia Nervosa’ and I allowed her to stay.
So please, if Ana visits you in a similar way:
Think of me, turn your back and just walk, walk away.
