MY MONOLOGUE SUBMISSION FOR LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON:
Lindsey Lohan is in for some hardship- the IRS has seized her bank accounts for outstanding tax debts. Not sure how she had any income in the first place unless her body has figured out how to convert booze into money.
President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner met at the Whitehouse yesterday to try and reach an agreement as the country heads towards the fiscal cliff. But they spent the whole time arguing over who would be Thelma and who would be Louise.
A woman was arrested in Spain for smuggling 1.3 kilos of cocaine in her breasts. Boobs filled with cocaine. Charlie Sheen just went, “What, where?”
Google has modified its SafeSearch filter to make it harder to search for porn. Prompting a nationwide switch to Bing.
Google Maps is finally back on the iPhone. Now Apple can finally find its own ass.
42 thousand dollars worth of marijuana was launched out of a cannon over the border into Arizona. Answering the question, what’s Flavor Flav up to these days?
The FCC is saying the inflight cell phone ban is dumb. And the FCC has owed us one since they censored Janet Jackson’s boob.
Shannon Daughtery called 911 after one of her fans threatened to commit suicide. Oh, sorry, I misread that, I meant after her ONE fan threatened to commit suicide.
Jesse James is engaged again, to the daughter of a billionaire. We don’t have much information on the woman, but we’re assuming she’s deaf and blind.
A woman in Syracuse gave birth at a zoo. Even the monkey that flings it’s own poo was like, “that is disgusting.”
The global bank HSBC is paying U.S. regulators a settlement of 1.9 billion dollars to resolve money laundering allegations. In the banking system, isn’t “money laundering” just called “banking”?
A petition on the White House website asking the government to build a "Star Wars"-style "Death Star” has received more than 17,000 signatures, stating it would create jobs and bolster our national defense. The first signature came from Barack Vader.
NASA is planning on crashing two probes into the moon next week. To ensure success, the probes will be driven by Lindsey Lohan and Amanda Bynes.
