Having a baby born prematurely or with a NICU experience is not only life-altering, it’s also complicated with extra layers of fear, trauma, and loss of control. 

I am a mother to an infant that was born into the NICU and I did not have a normal pregnancy or a normal delivery. I was not able to experience the normal bonding period that occurs immediately after birth. Instead of being held and breastfed, my son was in a warmer (incubator), connected to monitors, IVs, and other equipment.  

Since I didn't get to have a "normal birth experience", there was a feeling of grief and loss that still to this day, I carry with me. Loss of the thought of how we thought our son would enter this world and loss of our feeling of having control over the safety of our son. I felt and continue to feel guilt that I have done something wrong or have somehow failed. I felt as if I couldn't protect my son. 

I didn't get the luxury of being able to hold my son the second, minute, even so much as the day that he was born. I wasn't able to see my son for the first time until the next day. I didn't get to breastfeed my son right away like I wanted. My birth plan? What birth plan. That all went out the window the second I got induced. 

Maybe I have anxiety because of all of these reasons. maybe I have anxiety because no matter what, there's always a voice in the back of my head telling me "you're a bad mom" "you're going to screw him up" "no matter what you do, it's not enough". I know these things aren't true, and I keep telling that voice in my head to just shut up, but it doesn't.

Being pregnant was a blessing for my family. Being told at the young age of 17 I couldn't have children no matter how much I tried, I knew I'd prove them wrong someday. and I did. 

Not only that but because my family is one like no other. My husband, Jayden, is Transgender. now you might be thinking "how'd you have a baby then?" put two and two together and I'm sure you'll find a logical answer. Doctors do amazing things these days! that being said, I also get the AMAZING statement of "you're going to screw up your kid." Why? Because we're a diverse family? "your kid is going to get bullied" I'm sorry, but that's the other parents' problem for not teaching their child acceptance. 

Maybe, just maybe, this is why I have anxiety. Because I care too much what others think, say and do. To be honest, I don't know why exactly I have anxiety. I couldn't pinpoint an exact reason if I tried. 

Maybe it's one of these many reasons I've covered. 

Maybe it's not. 

All I know is, I have it. 

I know because I lay in bed at night, and I just have 100000 thoughts running through my head. 

What time did he eat last? 

Is he breathing?

Maybe we will go to the park tomorrow...

Why does he look so pale?

Maybe he's sick. 

All of these, and much more. 

The stress of life in itself could be it. 

Going back to work 6 weeks early could be it. 

Maybe it's the bills. 

Maybe it's because I know I have anxiety and I don't know why. 

Maybe its all of the above. 

Maybe I have  PP Anxiety.

To help raise awareness in an effort to promote change in our community, join the local Walk Out of Darkness Saturday, June 24 at 10 AM-12:30 PM.

For local peer to peer support visit, www.facebook.com/groups/PostpartumTerreHauteSupportGroup/.

To stay up to date on local PPD/A community awareness projects/events visit, www.facebook.com/PostpartumTerreHauteSupport/.

To donate to non-profit, awareness-raising organization Mom2020 visit, www.crowdrise.com/walk-out-terre-haute.