Commercial 1: I’m what women call a “serial dater.” I prefer to measure my relationships by the time it takes to end them. I did have one good thing going though for 3 or 4 years. She thought it was a good thing anyway. Me, I just liked holding a record. Women are kind of like murderers. When you’re on the hunt for one, you can’t think about anything else, but once you catch ‘em, you got to move onto the next body. But Callie, she’s a bit different. Only woman I’ve met in a long time that knows full well she’s dragging me under. Kinda think she enjoys watching me drown.

Commercial 2: People think since I don’t get along with my partners, I must be antisocial. No. Psychopaths are antisocial. I’m just particular. My distaste isn’t universal, it’s individual. I’m actually compatible with a whole bunch of people. Unfortunately, none of them work with me. What I’m very intolerant of however is anyone who’s lazy or self-serving, which is a good portion of the old gang in law enforcement. Look, the truth is when you’re a detective you need to shut everyone around you out in order to concentrate on the case. So, if that makes me chump, at least I’m the chump with the stellar arrest record.

Commercial 3: I’ve never been skilled in the art of ass kissing. That’s why I was no good at politics. I was single-minded in college. A single-minded idiot. Wanted to be in the public eye so I got my degree in political science and haven’t done a damn thing with it since. But it wasn’t all a waste. Poli Sci taught me how to climb the ranks after I joined the force. And once I got into the detectives unit, that’s when my star really began to rise.

Commercial 4: When you’re working a crime scene, the goal is to be efficient and effective. That’s my specialty. My sport. You wouldn’t ask a ballplayer to hit a grand slam in heels, right? Of course not. You gotta be comfortable if you’re going to be any good on the field. Same is true in the field. I mean, have you seen what they expect me to wear? It’s pretty drab. Sheriff’s and deputy sheriffs, they’re usually pretty buttoned up, but you know what I think? All those tight-fitting slacks and blazers are just a good excuse not to get your hands dirty. I’m all for getting the job done, but in a peat brown uniform? Come on.

Commercial 5: My investigative style is real simple. I zig when others zag. I find the best way to get real clues is to follow the avenues others takefor granted. Killers don’t go around dropping breadcrumbs on the road for you.The thing I look for is the plastic bag those crumbs came in. That’s what a careless criminal is going to toss away without thinking. And that’s what agood detective is going to find.

Commercial 6: As a kid I didn’t make the best parent/teacher conference. Sure, I had your normal, healthy play date relationships but I didn’t feel the need to be exceptional, or pander just to make people like me. I knew from a very young age that I was smarter than everyone else. But I wasn’t about to let that get to my head. I had my good looks to think about. And where I was going. That’s why I always took a seat by the window. I knew there was more out there for me and I wanted to keep a good eye on it, just in case I had the chance to escape.

Commercial 7: You can play golf all your life, still suck at it and still love it anyway. It’s a singular sport, no team, no direct contact with anything but that ball. It’s aggressive, but in a cerebral way. And it’s the kind of sport that gets under your skin. I mean, you can spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on equipment in hopes it’ll make you better game even though it never does. You can play and miss a thousand holes, but the 3 good shots you do make, well…you’ll remember those for the rest of your life.

Commercial 8: [This is the last commercial. At the top of the commercial, Jim turns around and looks behind him.] Well, I guess I’m finally putting Chicago behind me. I loved it, probably always will. Sometimes you get to a point with a town where you’ve got to get out before you get thrown out. One can only burn so many bridges. Plus you can only golf there 3 months out of the year.

Florida won’t be so bad. Hell, the pace is slower and Igonna buy myself a kickass place. I remember my parents dragging me there kicking and screaming as a kid on family vacations. At least now going back ismy choice. Well, sort of.

Drunken catfights. Adulterous exploits. Bathroom drug binges. These are just a few of the wild antics that occur on any given night behind the velvet ropes of Hollywood’s hottest clubs. After all, even celebrities need a place to unwind. With their alluring exclusivity and reputation as sites of some of Tinseltown’s biggest headlines, these dens of glamour and indulgence are usually kept off limits to the ill-connected public…until now. On this episode of All Access, we’ll take you inside these playgrounds for the rich and famous, introduce you to their staff, relive their most memorable moments and show you what it takes to get the joints jumping. So, grab your Sidekick and your hottest outfit. This is VH1 All Access: Hottest Hollywood Haunts.

If you’re a media-hungry celebrity, chances are you’ve been “caught” by the paparazzi stumbling out of Club Hyde. Sandwiched between the legendary Laugh Factory and Crescent Heights on Hollywood’s glamorous Sunset Boulevard, the low-key, earthy nightspot is a chill way to ring in the weekend – unless of course you’re claustrophobic. Designed to hold just over 80 patrons, Hyde can get as congested on a Saturday night as an LA freeway.

[B-Roll of Hyde staffer discussing overcrowding.]

Sometimes even having your own TV show is not enough to save you from getting the proverbial boot.

[B-roll - VH1 comic team discussing how C-list celebs like China Doll, Tara Reid have gotten turned away at @ Hyde, perhaps footage of Tara Reid actually being turned away.]

So, how did Hyde become the beacon of status it is today? Brent Bolthouse, co-owner of Hyde has watched the club’s evolution since April 2006 and has seen just what a few celebrities can do for business.

[B-roll of Bolthouse speaking about Hyde’s development, how it went from being X club to Hyde. When the celebrities started to arrive.]

Yet, if the growing number of party spots popping up around town and recent Bob Saget sightings are any indication of the club’s future, Hyde’s notable lifespan may be swiftly waning. That’s why we’ve compiled this tribute to Hyde’s greatest moments.

[B-roll - emotional music plays as VH1 comic team run through a collection of all the wonderful fights, run-ins and fainting episodes that took place at Hyde, including: Shanna Moakler/Paris brawl, Lindsey’s hard-partying at Hyde which led to admonishment by James G. Robinson, Brandon Davis "firecrotch" scandal, ect.]

Coming in just behind Hyde on the scandal-scale is the French-inspired retreat, Le Deux. The brain-child of best buds Mike Malin and Lonnie Moore of the trendy Dolce Group, which is responsible for such LA hot-spots as Geisha House and Bella Cucina Italia, Le Deux has hosted some ofthe most fabulous parties and events in town:

[B-role: Owners and/or staff talk about the individual preparations, guests and gossip surrounding the high-class events that have happened at Le Duex, such as MTV Pre-Party, Paris Hilton and Wilmer Valderrama’s birthday party, Victoria Secret Angels party and best of all, the Microsoft Christmas party, and with intermittent comments from the VH1 comics.]

But perhaps the biggest events at Le Deux are their parking-lot boxing matches.

[A montage of all the brawls outside Le Deux, including allthe girl fights, boy fights, flying weaves and one in particular when L.A. Laker Rick Fox stepped in.]

Apparently, Le Deux’ hype even extends as far as Holland. Just weeks ago, two purported members of Dutch media royalty stopped by the club which they’d heard was the only place worth partying in LA.

[Quick cut to Dutch “celebrities” listing the strong points of Le Deux.]

The only problem: the dress code got lost in translation.

[Quick cut: Dutchmen getting turned away.]