- BUNNYBALL: A DOCUMENTARY
By SL Schultz, under pen name Stanton which soon shall die miserably, (c) 2011
This fictional documentary sheds a satirical light on the mainstream's adoration of cute little animals; rather than being simply paraded on t-shirts and purses, the "Bunnyball" is given an entire plot and serious investigation which frames the entire production in absurdity.
- There is a world, comfortably far from our own reality, yet just as subject to irrationally fluctuating highs and lows in logic, where dwells the astoundingly simple but fuzzy and loveable bunnyball.
While they may surely be quite lovable, they are not themselves entirely capable of what we know as affection; but, like people, their waking life is ruled by a never-ending struggle amongst themselves concerning who is better, or the best.
- A rather notable aspect of the lives of these remarkable organisms is that they don’t truly sleep. They do rest, but it’s for the purpose of concentrating their systemic functions on the sole task of absorbing the rays of their sun. This is how they keep themselves running; they have no worries of scavenging for food or maintaining a diet.
During the onset of total energy depletion, they dock themselves where they believe they will be safe, and settle in for several hours until their power levels are replenished.
They dream of nothing; bad dreams are non-existent to bunnyballs in the context of subconscious operation; rather, the only nightmares with which these creatures are familiar are ones that live and breathe with them on the same planet.
- Those “nightmares” being their natural predators. For no eco system would be complete without such a bother, it would seem.
The snapper plant is one such predator. Immobile, but able to move their heads about at will, members of this peculiar species of plant actually have brains and even some semblances of vertebrae.
They too take energy from the sun, and moisture from the morning dew; but every once in a great while, the bunnyball will serve as a sumptuous little snack to these organisms.
- Despite the ominous appearance of the snapperplants, and their undeniably carnivorous inclinations, it happens to be a favorite pastime of bunnyballs to fly around the plants in competition with one another.
Several bunnyballs at a time will head out to the snapperplant fields for a day of fun and sport; the objective is to repeatedly buzz the snappers and irritate the living snot out of them without getting gobbled down in the process. Each bunnyball will take a turn, and try to impress the others with their agility, speed, or concept of “originality”.
More often than never, though, the snappers endure not in vain.
While some bunnyballs simply aren’t quick enough or bright enough to dodge a hungry snapper, there are times when a bunnyball just doesn’t know when to quit, and when they start to wear out, it occurs in such an subtle manner that they don’t perceive they are actually slowing down and are ultimately snatched up in a snapperplant’s massive jaws, to end up as a little bunnyball ribcage at the base of the plant.
- Thus, through the ages, their little ribcages wound up sort of being used as a ranking system by competing bunnyballs----the more ribcages present underneath a snapperplant, the bigger the rush to be felt in competing, and the higher the recognition there will be for them in the eyes of their peers.
Vain little creatures that they are.
- There is still another group living in the world of the bunnyball---mysterious and elusive, silent and emotionless, these creatures have been dubbed stalkers.
Stalkers are, in essence, walking butcher knives with long, spindly legs. In the manner of spiders, they scramble around from shadow to shadow, avoiding detection, until some form of intervention on their part becomes necessary.
Few and fixed in numbers, but able to cover a lot of ground in little time, these nocturnal hunters keep a close watch on the indigenous populations, as they are the planet’s primary way of maintaining its rendition of order and balance.
- Many different scenarios will force a stalker to emerge from the cool comfort of the dark to exact bloody vengeance---one such case being when a bunnyball has lived for a number of years, but has little to show for itself and is shockingly uncompetitive.
Whenever such a condition manifests itself, a stalker will trail the subject around, watching its every peaceful little move, determining if it should indeed live or die.
The stalkers usually rule in the disfavor of the bunnyball it has chosen to pursue; and once night has fallen, it waits for the most opportune time to corner and then mercilessly slaughter its victim.
- The correction of stalkers is also required when too many snapperplants begin to sprout up on the same turf, and soil real estate becomes impossible for new plants to secure. This overcrowding also causes them to block eachother’s light, which can be very detrimental seeing as the soil on their planet holds virtually no nutritional value for them, and sunlight is about all they have to go on.
A group of stalkers will show up to play gardener only when the situation becomes too chaotic to ignore. They’ll scout out all of the sickly plants, as well as two or more of the most productive and fertile plants, and sever all of their heads from their stalks. They then will proceed to obliterate the selected plants in a savage manner, spreading their remains about in such a way that the plants and sprouts which are left may benefit from the nutrients.
- Absolutely no nourishment of any kind is able to be gained by the stalkers in taking the life of a bunnyball---unless gratification from the primeval act of killing is taken into consideration.
Yet there are times, although virtually unprecedented in the grand scheme of things, when a stalker’s mind gets completely away from it, and the result is a murderous rampage, during which it viciously rends everything in its path.
Literally nothing can be done to stop or even prevent this erratic act of savagery; in fact, it goes blissfully unpunished because of the pure amusement it brings to the other stalkers.
- Now back to the creatures of the title---both male and female genders are present in the bunnyball species, but contrary to what would otherwise be popular opinion, these creatures do not necessarily multiply like rabbits.
This very intricate process begins when a male and female take a fascination to one another. Almost immediately, an awkward staring contest begins.
It may ensue for multiple hours; and whoever looses the match by looking away FIRST also looses their fruffry little tail, in miserable shame.
The winner gets to float on, all right.
And the nightmare continues when the loser’s tail, once abandoned, slowly develops into a new bunnyball.
- The loser bunnyball will eventually grow back a new tail, but it may take several days to bud, and will be noticeably smaller than its first; and if this subject looses their SECOND tail in another instance later on down the road, the creature will promptly cease to live. For he had his chance, you see.
An abandoned smaller tail, resulting from the final failure of a loser bunnyball, will never grow up to become a conventionally-sized bunnyball.....therefore, these particular subjects will carry the “loser” stigma with them their entire lives, or until prestige can be secured through unusually immense and relentless efforts.
- There is no telling how long the planet and its workings have been in operation, and there is even less to speculate upon in regards to what length of time its systems will continue; but it’s certainly easy to see that, due to this world’s astounding lack of usable natural resources and the inherent toxicity of the bunnyball in terms of human consumption, it could never be recommended to intergalactic economists or industrial establishments as anything close to a source of profit, nor will it ever become a stop for interplanetary vacationers.