These tears don't belong to you.
in a frenzy of honesty and sincerity to admit to a partner (and to ourselves at the same time) – i am like this, look. and no icing, no creams, no mastics, no cherries. and in those moments when your romantic friend expresses incomprehension / disgust / contempt / fear / indifference on their face, people like me and alike shatter into chips, trying to find shelter from the cold wind that permeates every single unit of all the clichéd me, myself, and i. brush off. and if i’d have shimmered with azure further? and if i’d have continued to shine with glittery baby hairspray? and if i’d haven’t stopped winking with my right and left....?
in short, you keep at a distance – you get recognition and admiration, you let it in – you get "oh, i don't eat that."
so the question is – show my hand or keep it dark? feel endless pain or remain a mystery girl, shooting eyes?
here, as in working with people stuck at the stage of separation-individuation, – first you teach the skills of stress resistance, emotional self-regulation, and communication, and then you go into the jungle of painful emotions and feelings, having a katana from Hattori Hanzo in your arsenal, and you destroy everything beautifully neat, eventually scalping a yakuza clan leader in a japanese snow garden to the track Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood by Santa Esmeralda.
people are mirrors (and in your katana, through which you look at those bleeding in a second, there will always be a reflection of yourself) – they come into our lives to show us what we are. from those whom we let closer, we will get a more detailed and thorough picture. the pain, from the actions of people to whom we are not indifferent, just tells us where to direct introspection, trying to figure out why it hurts there. oftentimes, it hurts from the fact that we see the manifestation of our own pathological self, or from the fact that our pathological self doesn’t allow us to manifest.
if we are rejected and our soul is torn apart – it is wonderful. (i remind you, i am a sophisticated masochist, clever, and cunning). this destructive feeling has an exclusively beneficent purpose – it teaches and fills up. just look how deeply you can feel, how wide, how complex, that no words can describe, and all the attempts to do so will display only one tenth of what is really there.
people leave when you have learned the lesson they have given you. when you truly understand. when you have felt and lived through. moreover, when a whole topic is mastered, not a specific person leaves, but a whole archetype. you are moving along the path of psychic development and, accordingly, self-realization.
be open, accept responsibility, learn. it’s always painful and unpleasant to look at yourself from the side. i realized this at the age of 18 when took mescaline, then on a regular basis doing psychoanalytical psychotherapy, now through everyone who bothers to hear my silence behind my talkativeness.
2023
