These images were shot by Andrew Boyes on the 29th of January 2023
This is a letter, a message, a poem, a reminder, from me to me and for you.
Introduction
Part 1
I live in a world, where my emotions, at times void or full of colour, frame my mind, my experiences, my feelings, my thoughts and ultimately my actions. I live, effortlessly, floating about within and through my mind. To and fro, I craft the world around me and find ways to incorporate balance into the chaos that is my homeostasis.
There were times when I found myself searching for something greater than I. Something or someone to mean something to me. Be it anything at all. Hatred, Joy, Envy, Love, Shame. These are the moments when I try to be beside myself, listen, look, hear and find anything to tether myself to my somewhat motionless existence; anything that I wish were within and of myself.
Lost
It's with and within this. These moments. The one's devoid of colour, when I'm lost, adrift and without, that I feel most near to myself. It must be the pulling towards myself, the realisation of one's position, in relation to their surroundings, their past, their future, the things that were them and they could be. The things that help you remember, these things helped me remember...
Remember, who I am.
Reaching: I can't seem to find reasons not to redress, myself, the hues I use to colours and coordinate my life. I'm searching, finding ways to get by through the eb and flow of life.
finding reason amidst -
homeostasis
Part 2
Happiness to me is the fulfillment of purpose. My purpose. It could be anything. However big, however small, it is the act of living within the process of a task or duty, that ignites joy within me.
Purpose can look like something different to me on various days, it could be as little as making my bed and taking care of my hygiene, to something as large as caring for another person or fulfilling my dreams, wishes and greatest desires.
When happiness has a home, sadness sometimes comes to visit
anyone who knows what love is, will understand
saudade
Part 3
I've never been in love, though, I wonder what it must be like. I often wonder how it comes to be, love. How does she arrive? Does she visit and how does one cater to such a guest.
Do you offer Love a cup of tea with biscuits and snacks to welcome him into your home? Does Love visit on rainy afternoons that are dressed in storms that rattle one's ceiling. Does she visit in the winter when an evenings fire radiates heat throughout a home. Does he knock before he enters, leaving his shoes at the door? Does Love even worry about such things at all.
I wonder, if and when Love does come, I'll be prepared. I don't know of these are things that Love might need but should she come I would not like for him to want.
i've welcome sadness once before
desiderium
Part 4
On my journey I've come to find, keep and lose.
There are many things of which I wished I had the option to chose. Whether or not for it to stay, with me and within the same place. Some are tangible, some are not. Some can stay, while some can rot. Some are nameless, some I can call. Some belong to me and others not at all. Some I gave to make you happy, some aren't worth a cent while some are dandy. Regardless, these are things, I don't have anymore. These are things that I one day found awaiting me at my door.
I lost and found what had not been missing, the moments I spent reminiscing.
there is beauty in endings
conclusion?
Part 4
I go through seasons, all are different, varying in temperament, habit and length. Some come and stay for a while and others merely greet in passing. A brief encounter.
I don't want to believe that I am finding myself. I aim to seek out tangibility through development, reason and action. It is with this that I will be.
I would like to say that I simply exist and exist simply. There is no more to me than there is to a be pollinating a flower and a wave reaching towards the shore.
There is beauty and exile in pain and happiness. From where one found comfort in the home of their mind, one could easily be barred from this inner home by unwanted visitors that have no body and cannot be called by name.
I worry that I will continue to just exist in this world and it will all amount to equilibrium. Where the world remains unchanged and where my only foot prints are made of carbon.
release.
