Specifics as a means of dominance.
my mother was a dominant parent – excessive control over my activities, rigid and inflexible in approach to parenting, emotional punishment to enforce compliance, limiting my opportunities to make my own decisions and learn from the mistakes. thus, i developed an aversion to dominance as such and control in particular – i didn’t want to be like my mom.
nevertheless, i still carried in me these two traits. and the more i rejected them, the more i exhibited them – unconsciously, of course. since i didn’t find a socially accepted or a more or less adequate outlet for these impulses, for a long time i was excessively and violently controlling my weight, my time, and my friends.
only recently i realized and admitted to myself that i have a desire to dominate and control; that it’s not ghastly; that i shouldn’t blame and punish myself for it; that i shouldn’t be convincing myself i don’t have it. – thereby i got closer to one of my shadow parts. it became easier to to see where i exercise dominance and control and how.
one of the main realms i was unconsciously channeling my impulses was my romantic relationships, especially in its beginning stage.
so far i know that the game of mine, which i so love, isn’t solely but for a decently big part is about dominance. it’s my game, my rules, my control over the process. and when i see that my co-player isn’t behaving in the way i want them to (thus i feel i’m losing my control over them) — i resort to punishment. and here, my fears, i’ve discovered, first, i do punish, second, how i do that.
while the very game is played tacitly, intangible, on semitones and between the lines, the punishment is about specifics’ articulation. i’m quite perspicacious, and i know what to say/ask so the person feel devastated, lost, frightened, naked, vulnerable, blunted.
2022|2023
